How you remind me
by RamenKitty
Summary: oh, gosh, this is my first fanfic here...um, Gendo gets his own little veiw of Eva, before there was eva. please R


How you remind me…

            Dear God, I'm actually writing Gendo Fanfic.  Lord takes me now, however I think this'll be a good piece, after all…

            Okay, Evangelion, all rights, titles, and related characters belong to Gainax.  Only Mawaru the waitress belongs to me.  And the song, " How you remind me." Belongs to Nickel back the group.   The idea sprung from this song, and I basically decided to make it a Gendo fic since it seemed like…well…

Shinji: Geez. She's gotta have a reason for everything…

Author: shut up!

            And in this fanfic Gendo and Yui's erg…relationship isn't perverted okay! It doesn't do justice to the song or to actual human emotion! LEMON READERS TURN AWAY! THERE ARE ONLY SLIGHT MENTIONS OF THE CRAFT.

* Sighs *

Sort of a little, " Gendo-gets-his-own-Mind-messer-upper-episode-in-the-past." Deal. 

And without further ado…evangelion: how you remind me! 

P.S. I do not smoke, nor do I advocate the use of airport smoking! Die evil tobacco! Wahhh! 

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Night in Tokyo

            The sounds of a city were like a well-placed dance routine, the hearts beating in perfect rhythm.  Each person adapting to the current state of affairs in his or her own way, each person doing what they had to do to survive, to live, to breath and exist. 

One heart was out of place.

            The airport café was surrounded by rain and gloom, shadowing its occupants with the darkness of a thousand souls.  Each person had something to hide, anonymity to be desired.  Waitress's shifted back and forth, black aprons and white shirts underneath, moving around like pieces on a checkerboard. 

" Can I get something for ya?" 

            The man known as Gendo Ikari looked up at the sound of a human voice.  She had a pretty enough face, dark staring purple eyes.  She stood, hand poised to take his order, he could have laughed if she hadn't looked so eager.  He ran a hand through his short black hair and grimaced. 

" Coffee." 

" How do you take it Hon?"

            Now she had a despicable Osaka twang in her voice, making her sound more like an American then he would have cared.  She seemed so happy…

" Black, straight." 

" Kay." 

            The airport was a dusty structure.  Hung in blue glass and sharp mechanical edges.  Airplanes from different parts of the world landed and removed themselves, escaping…

Escape…

Running…

            _Didn't you promise yourself you wouldn't run away again? Didn't you promise that this time you'd stay, stay with her, with what she represents, with- _

" Shut up Brain." He muttered.  He was running away, although he had promised himself he never would again.  He was running away from the only person who loved him, who even cared…

A radio blasted into American music somewhere in the airport.

" Sure I can't get you anything else?"

            The woman, the waitress had shown up again, now she stood with her hair slightly askew.  Her deep seeking eyes focused forward on his face, staring him squares in the jaw.  He detected a light drizzle as he thanked her curtly, taking a sip. 

            _Are you running away because you don't want to hurt her? You desperately want to love, and yet you're afraid of some darker part of your nature.  You hate yourself because you don't understand things.  You hate yourself because you're like your parents; you have never known real love until her- _

" I don't have to take this." He muttered, getting up and grabbing his jacket.  He didn't have to take the doubts, the thoughts that existed in his head.  He was leaving, escaping, so that he didn't have to face…

You're Gendo Rokobungi? It's a pleasure. 

I know, I'm sorry about that, I've asked for someone to come and offer you help. 

You should stop being close-minded, you should open up more, and after all you have a lot to share! 

            He walked away from the airport café into the central structure.  The sounds of humanity danced all around him.  Ticket agents, airport personnel, and other such beings chorused with the cache of travelers who went back and forth, traveling to exotic places and lands.  And over all of it walked the airplane crews, in their element, on the clock, doing what they did best. 

_That's what you want, security, comfort…_

_Something you parents couldn't give you…_

            He slumped himself into a cushion less seat, closing his eyes, words echoing like dolphins in the cavity of his brain…

You are worthless! Pathetic! Why can't you be GOOD at something like your brother? 

Sissy, sitting there, _reading _books… 

" Hi." 

            A voice jolted him out of his unhappy stroll down memory lane.  His brown eyes looked into startling dark purple as he grimaced, feeling his hands clench.  The waitress stood a few feet away from him, wearing a blue coat and skirt, different from her previous clothes.

" Can I help you?" 

            She didn't step back at his sneer, taking the seat next to him. 

" I'm guessing you're waiting for someone…maybe a girlfriend? Partner…you know…"

" What business is it of yours? "

            She took out a pack of Virgin lights from the pocket of her jacket.   Without asking his permission, she lit one, inhaling its dark and smoky sent.  

" Thought of it thought I might be able to give you a little advice.  I'm good at that sort of thing."  She took another swig, and waved her hand around, " Look around you, look at the group of people." She grinned at him, " Sometimes, you feel like you aren't worth anything at all compared to some of them.  Look for example." She gestured vaguely at a tall commanding looking woman wearing a pilot uniform, speaking to a ticket agent.

" It's a pilot, probably from an American airliner." 

            " Don't you see beyond her outward appearance? " the woman said, turning to him, " She probably has a problem, maybe she drinks lets say.  She's maybe hiding a thousand different cares and worries under her skin.  She's probably thinking about a million different things, foremost the plane that she has to go and fly in a few minutes." 

Gendo was growing bored.

            " Your point? "

She smiled at him, " My point, Mr. Gendo Rokobungi, is that things are not always what they seem." She took another drag.  Gendo set his mouth in a frown, trying to hide his astonishment.

" How did you know my name miss…miss…" 

" It doesn't really matter," the woman said, taking another swig and dumping the but in a nearby ashtray, " But Mawaru will do for now."  She smiled as the woman moved on, a family group passing them with about seven different children in toe. 

" What are you so afraid of?" she had lit another cigarette, the airport around them becoming a smoky, hazy world. 

" Myself." He sighed as the P.A. system clicked on, garbled and inconsistent, " I suppose I've always been afraid that I'd end up in an unhappy relationship…like the one my mother and father had." He was mentally kicking himself, but somehow he continued speaking.

            " I've never really felt like I was worth anything.  I think it was just because of my parents, my father never cared, and my mother…well she was too busy with my brother.  They both didn't like me, I was just too different from them." 

" Do you truly think so?" 

            Gendo frowned, watching Mawaru's movements, " Yes.  I've always been different then them, always and always.  Then, when I went away to college and I met…someone…"

" Yui Ikari, go on." 

            Gendo was becoming increasingly concerned, yet he found himself continuing, in spite of his fear, " Yeah, Yui and I really hit it off.  However…recently our relationship just got serious and…I don't want to treat her like my father treated my mother.  I…really love and care for her." 

Mawaru took another long drag, motioning for him to continue. 

            " I'm afraid…and…that's why I want to leave.  I left her a note to tell her I was leaving.  I'm going to a different school, she never understood but…" 

" You need to be alone."

Gendo frowned, "Yes." 

" You feel as though you cannot interact with others." 

" Again, yes." 

            She sighed, " Can you really be that selfish?" she waved around her, dropping the second butt into an ashtray, " Look around you Gendo Rokobungi.  All around you people have problems; all around you people are afraid and alone.  But we survive, we live because that is what we were born to do." She lit a third cigarette, a creamy smile alighting across her face. 

" What the hell is…my business…to you? " he gave her a confused look, checking his watch.  She leaned back, and he was suddenly aware of time slowing, for just a single moment as she took another slow drag. 

" Did you know, that if you sit long enough you'd see the future? Sooner or later a vision of yourself comes along, and you can see where you'll go, what you'll be…it all depends on your point of view." She smiled at him, as another family group passed them on the bench. 

" What?"

            " Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions of living?"

" Yea…yes…"

            " Do you ever feel like everyone must hate you…because you hate yourself?" 

" Irrelevant. "

            " Please answer the question father." 

Gendo was suddenly confronted with a vision of a 14-old-boy in a school uniform sitting in the place where Mawaru sat.  Like a younger version of him except with a softer touch…

" Do you hate mother? Because she loves you?"  

" NO!"

            " Then what are you complaining about?" Mawaru was next to him again, her purple eyes staring at a woman with short brown hair and violet eyes speaking to a ticket agent.

" What are you staring at? "

            Mawaru turned in response to the question, " Sometimes, Gendo Ikari there are some things that you have to do, some things that are meant to be…to exist." 

A song suddenly reached their ears.  It filled with sonorous echoes, although it was simply American punk rock. 

Never made it as a wise man

Couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

Tired of living like a blind man

Sick and tired with a sense of feeling…

            Mawaru softly began to sing along, her voice soft and low and sexy, " This is how you remind me, of what I really am, this is how you remind me of what I really am, not like you, to say sorry…" 

Gendo was afraid.

            He could feel it in every fiber of his being; his senses were locked in pure animal terror as the woman next to him kept singing, her voice changing tone…

" This is how you remind me, this is how you remind me of what I really am, I was waiting on a different story, for having you a hard worth breaking…" 

            " Wh…What…are  you?" 

Mawaru's place was suddenly taken by a woman with short blond hair and a single mole like a tear next to her eye.

            " I am what I am, can't you love me since I am alive? " 

" What the hell?" 

             " After all." The woman was replaced with a girl, short bobbed blue hair and deep shimmering red eyes and a calm pale albino hand…

" You are still just a child…" 

            Mawaru sat across from him again, her eyes were smug with superiority and malice rode a wild horse in her dark purple eyes.  She had dropped her pack of virgin lights on the ground, and was grinning at him. 

            " What do you think I am? "

Gendo could find no words.

            " Here me then Supreme Commander Ikari, hear my words.  Go back, go back and live for the workings of things far beyond your control are at the disposal of beings that you do not understand.  Go back because love is something that no being should have a right to break." Gendo looked up and saw Yui, dressed in a pair of jeans and a red shirt, talking to a security guard.  She looked up, catching his eye, the tear stains on her face suddenly lighting up with joy.

            " I'm so sorry!" she dove on him, hugging him with desperate, faithful energy, " Please come back, If…If it seemed like I was rushing I'm sorry I just…I just…" she broke out into a sob as he held her racking body, the words of his mysterious guest and the sound suddenly awakening him to the truth.

_This is you_

_This is who you are_

_This is what most people know._

" Please, lets go back to where we were before, I won't…I won't mention anything like what I had mentioned again until you…we're ready.  Both of us."  He looked into her shining eyes, shining with trust and loyalty…

And for the first time in his life he was able to return the look…

_You must be strong_

_For her_

_For others_

_For yourself_

_And no matter what sins you might commit_

_You must remember_

_To take care of yourself_

Something went off in his brain as he gently searched out Mawaru in the room. 

_Because this is the truth of existence_

_This is why we live_

_For ourselves_

_And for the sake of others _

_This is what you must understand, no matter what occurs. _

            " Honey," he had not realized they had begun walking, his mind still on the words in his brain, " Who was that woman you were talking to?" 

They stepped outside into the rain, just as the same tall commanding woman he had seen earlier walk next to them.  Her face was ashen and expressionless, but she caught his attention, something about her eyes…

" Just remember Mr. Rokobungi…" the woman said loudly, to the bewilderment of Yui next to him, " Not all Angels are evil! We're just doing our job." 

This is how you remind me, this how you remind me 

Of what I really am…

She smiled, as Yui stared her retreating back, she adjusted her cap and was gone with a brush of wind. 

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Author: Well? What did you think? I thought it did some justice to…well everything. And although I am still an ardent member of the " Gendo Ikari Must DIE!" club it was still a fun piece to write.

Once again thanks to Gainax for the creation of such cool characters, they own um, I don't, so there! 

Also, a few notes: the woman with short brown hair and violet eyes was supposed to be Naoko, don't know if anybody caught that.  Also, you'd have to assume that if an angel was on earth, they'd have to be able to hide so that's why Mawaru could change shape…also the " Take care of yourself" is from the end of Evangelion movie and episodes, it just seemed to fit, sorry if it bothered anyone.

And remember

Live for the sake of yourself and others! 

This is the reason we exist, La Raison de etre. 

Happy Holidays

And peace on earth to all those who work for it, wish for it, and need it so desperately. 


End file.
